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I don't know what to call this post....

Today’s lesson in Young Women’s was Father’s Blessings. I wasn’t teaching today, but was grateful to have heard it. My father died yesterday, a man I really knew nothing about. He had Leukemia and was receiving a new treatment that allowed him to come in less often. The treatment caused hemorrhaging in his brain, making him brain dead on Friday. He died Saturday morning.
When I heard the news, I didn’t know what to think or what to feel. I put on my Facebook wall, "How should you feel when someone dies, who should have been a part of your life, but chose not to be?" He was never a part of my life which was his choice and always has been. As I’ve had time to ponder, cry, and talk about it, these are a few of my thoughts. I have ‘numbed’ myself on the fact I didn’t grow up with a dad. I didn’t dwell on it and haven’t really harbored ill feelings. I just chose not to think about it or feel sorry about it. I have had a good life without him. I have been surrounded by good examples growing up, my uncles, home teachers, etc…. and now my step-dad Roy, and my father-in-law, Doug.
And most importantly, I have a loving Heavenly Father. He has always been there for me. I truly see him as my Father, perhaps in a stronger or different sense than others. I see him as one who cares about everything that I’m going through and knows everything that I need. In High school I would talk to him about everything on my mind, just as a teenager would to her friends and family. On “Father’s Day” every year, I would think about my relationship with my Heavenly Father and I would grow closer to him.

With that being said, there has always been a place in the back of my mind that was hoping my father would come back and have a desire to be a part of my life- that I would know he actually cared about me. Knowing he is gone means this will never happen, and that has been a challenging thing to face. I understand that it is his choice and that it has hurt him the most. He has missed out on so many wonderful things. But I am still sad for missed opportunities. I am sad for his wife and her family. What an awful thing to go through.

Growing up I knew what I wanted. I would have an eternal marriage. I would have a husband who loves me and our family. I would have a husband who honorably holds the priesthood and is worthy to provide blessings for me and my children. How grateful I am for Matt. He is everything I hoped for in a husband and Tommy will always have him to look up to as his father. He truly is a Dad. I see how much love he has for Tommy and that’s been one of my absolute greatest joys.
I am sorry I will never have a relationship with my biological father, but am so very thankful my children will always have one with theirs.